Famous Last Words
by castrovalva9
Summary: Cliche!fic. The TARDIS takes the Fourth Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith to a planet where aliens force them to have sex. Yes, it's the classic Aliens Make Them Do It plot. I even used a cliched title. Written for the DoctorSarah Cliche Challenge.


Title: Famous Last Words  
Author: castrovalva9  
Rating: PG-13 (edited version)  
Summary: Cliche!fic. The TARDIS deliberately takes the Fourth Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith to a planet where aliens force them to have sex. Yes, it's the classic "aliens made them do it" plot. I even used a cliched title. Written for the Doctor/Sarah Jane Cliche Challenge.  
Beta read by Kara MT.  
Disclaimer: "Doctor Who" is property of the BBC.

XXXXXXXX

"You'll enjoy this place, I assure you."

The Doctor's confidence automatically made Sarah suspicious. There seemed to be a direct correlation between the strength of his assurances and the level of disaster they would inevitably encounter. She cast an assessing glance toward the scanner, to see that the TARDIS had materialised in the midst of a grove of oak-like trees.

"Where are we?" she asked.

The Doctor merely smiled. "Come outside and see."

There would be no hiding in the TARDIS for Sarah. She wanted to explore, and how bad could it be? She followed the Doctor as he flung one end of his scarf over his shoulder and strode outside.

So naturally, they barely made it 10 paces before a group of furry, one-eyed orange creatures surrounded them.

"Oh. This is rather unexpected," the Doctor noted. He and Sarah stopped dead, looking down at the four-foot-tall beings. They were vaguely humanoid in build, but each had orange fur and a single eye. None of this seemed to faze the Doctor. He merely smiled broadly and announced, "Hello. I'm the Doctor, and this is my friend Sarah Jane Smith. We mean you no harm."

One of the aliens extended a stubby arm and responded in an oddly clicking voice that Sarah had a difficult time understanding, despite the TARDIS's efforts at translation. The Doctor, who clearly had less trouble, listened for a few moments, then turned to her.

Quietly he said, "They're a bit hard of hearing. If we whisper, they won't know what we're saying." He raised his voice, speaking loudly and clearly as he went on, "Sarah, this is the planet Ulm, and our new friends here are also known as the Ulm."

One alien glided closer to Sarah, fixed its eye upon her, and began to hum as it looked between her and the Doctor. One by one, each of the others followed suit.

"Doctor? Why are they looking at us like this?" Sarah said uneasily.

At the sound of her voice, all of the Ulm commenced chattering.

" I What /I did you just say?" Sarah gasped, staring at the nearest alien. She was really hoping she had misheard, and optimistically thought it was entirely possible--actually, probable--that she had.

The Doctor promptly burst her bubble in an unwarrantedly upbeat tone. "They want to observe our mating procedure. For scientific purposes, of course."

"Well, tell them no, thanks, and let's get out of here!" She turned toward the TARDIS, but the aliens refused to budge. Instead, they proceeded to click and chatter again, revealing their jagged teeth as they did so.

The Doctor translated, "They say we're fascinating specimens, they've never seen any quite like us before, and we are valuable research subjects. They want us to come with them. I think we should do so."

He stepped in the indicated direction. Thinking of the creatures' sharp teeth, Sarah reluctantly followed. The Ulm, nudging at their heels like sheepdogs, urged them out of the grove and down a slope toward a dull brown building in the distance. As they trudged along, picking their way over the uneven terrain, Sarah quietly moaned, "You couldn't carry a gun just this one time?"

"Weapons are almost never the answer," the Doctor replied pedantically.

"That's easy for _you_ to say," Sarah retorted. "This is the first time aliens have ever tried to make me do it. You're ancient, though. It's probably happened to you at least a dozen times so far."

"Only the three," the Doctor cheerfully corrected.

"How did you get out of doing it those times?" Sarah asked.

"Who says I did?"

"Did I ever tell you you really know how to depress a girl, Doctor?" Sarah sidestepped a boulder and heaved a sigh. "Well, unlike you, I have willpower and determination. I just won't do it. Then they'll have no choice but to let us go."

"No, then they'll drug us," the Doctor warned.

"How do you know? Did that happen to you, those other three times?"

"No, it never came to that, but if one has a general understanding of scientifically minded aliens and how they think, then it makes perfect sense. It's the logical progression."

Sarah did not reply, mostly because they had arrived at the brown building. It was constructed of smooth stone and had no visible doors or windows, but a section of the wall vanished as they approached it. They stepped inside and saw corridors stretching in either direction. The aliens turned them to the right, then after about a minute or so of progress stopped them before an opening in the wall and instructed them to empty their pockets and hand over all of their belongings except their clothing.

Sarah realised that she was having much less trouble understanding the alien voices now, and wondered if that could be considered a good thing. She gave up her watch; the Doctor surrendered a quantity of tangled string, a battered cricket ball, three screws, a scrap of paper, a pencil stub, a small torch, eight coins, two paper clips, and half of a Jelly Baby. That was from the first pocket. As he reached into the second pocket, one of the aliens growled and pushed Sarah through the nearby opening and into a large room.

She looked around. The space was empty. Even the ceiling was quite high, perhaps 15 metres away, and she saw a balcony approximately halfway up. It was too high to reach, and there were no doors or windows.

A few minutes later, the Doctor also entered the room. The opening in the wall sealed behind him, leaving no indication that a space had ever been present.

"What were you doing out there?" Sarah demanded.

"Emptying the rest of my pockets," the Doctor replied. "They said if we willingly participate, we can leave within the hour."

"And if not?"

"We're their guests until we _do_ cooperate."

"There's got to be some way out of this place," Sarah said firmly, and she began to feel the wall behind them for a trigger mechanism. The Doctor joined her in the search. Together, they sought any hint of escape: a hidden passage, a weak spot in the walls, any ray of hope. They found nothing. However, when they looked up at the balcony, they saw several Ulm gathered, peering down at them as if waiting for a show to begin.

Frustrated, Sarah turned on the Doctor. "And you thought I'd _like_ this planet?"

"No, certainly not," he protested. "I didn't want to come here."

"So we're landed here by accident?"

"I didn't say that, either."

"Then what do you mean? Get to the point!"

"It's not my fault. I distinctly set the coordinates for 1776 Boston, Massachusetts, yet the TARDIS came here instead."

"Are you saying the TARDIS deliberately brought us to a planet where the inhabitants are obsessed with observing mating rituals?"

The Doctor beamed. "Now you have it! She does possess a unique sense of humour."

"I can think of another way to describe it," Sarah muttered darkly.

They didn't exchange another word for quite a while.

Sarah wasn't sure how much time had passed, considering that her watch was gone, but eventually she began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. She was flushed and hot, and a growing need thrummed throughout her veins. Dimly, she became aware that the Doctor had been right; somehow, those damned orange aliens _had_ drugged her. She grew more and more aroused, until all she could think of was the need to relieve that terrible tension. Her fingers had slipped down to her zipper when the Doctor cleared his throat. Sarah yelped, jumped, and guiltily snatched her hand away.

"I believe the Ulm have introduced an aphrodisiac into the air," the Doctor announced, not looking at her. "It's having only a very slight effect, however, so they must have got the dosage wrong."

"On you, maybe," Sarah retorted.

The Doctor opened his mouth, saw the look on her face, and wisely remained silent. He sprawled out on his back and placed his hat over his face. Within minutes, he appeared to be fast asleep.

"Big help you are," Sarah complained. "Of course, you weren't any more use awake than you are asleep." She sighed, then realised that she felt somewhat better. The effects of the aphrodisiac were dissipating; she would be all right. Not that the place had grown any more entertaining in the last several minutes. Given her lack of options, Sarah chose to stretch out in the minimal remaining floor space, lie motionless, and contrive to look as uninteresting as possible. She didn't have to make it easy for the Ulm, after all. In this manner, seconds ticked by and stretched into minutes and possibly hours; it was difficult to tell.

The aliens hovered.

The Doctor snored.

Sarah stared at the ceiling.

After some time, she began to feel almost normal. It then that the aliens finally moved. One by one, they retreated through a small opening behind the balcony. The last orange tuft had barely whipped out of sight before Sarah swung into action.

"Doctor!" Sarah elbowed him in the ribs with just a little more force than was strictly necessary. "Wake up! The aliens are gone!"

The Doctor pushed his hat from his face, rubbed his side, and sat up. "So they are."

"Have they given up? Will they let us go now?"

"No, I believe they're simply regrouping. They must be coming up with a new plan."

"What else could they possibly do to us?"

"Well, they could try sleep deprivation, or hot irons, or mental probes, or shock treatment..."

"Forget I asked."

Another sweep of their cell revealed no miraculous escape route; frustrated, Sarah slumped on the floor beside the Doctor again. He looked calm and collected, which only served to make her feel less so. She turned away and glanced up at the balcony; they had an audience again, of what from this distance looked like about six aliens. She looked back to the Doctor and asked, "How long have we been here? It feels like forever!"

"Two hours and eight minutes," he replied without hesitation.

"What?" Sarah stared at him. "That can't be right. It seems like so much longer. How long could this go on, do you think? I mean, how long will they keep us here?"

"Oh, indefinitely," the Doctor speculated. "Years and years and years. I suppose that's no great inconvenience to me, of course. I can spare a few decades, after all. How about you?"

A few decades of this? She was nearly climbing the walls after only two hours. "This is really boring," Sarah observed.

"I agree."

"We're supposed to just sit here?"

"No, we're _supposed_ to, as you put matters, 'do it.'"

"And if we don't, this is the alternative? Sitting here doing nothing?"

"Evidently."

They fell silent for several minutes before Sarah reiterated, "This is really boring. Isn't there some sort of distraction around here? I don't suppose you managed to hide anything when they made you empty your pockets."

The Doctor brightened. "Oh! Yes, I did!"

Sarah waited anxiously as he reached into a pocket. What did he have? The sonic screwdriver? A weapon? Even his yo-yo would help relieve the boredom.

The Doctor's hand emerged clutching a sack of Jelly Babies.

Sarah scowled, grabbed a green Baby, and viciously bit it in half. "Did it occur to you to tell them you're a different species than I am?" she asked, jerking her head toward the peeping aliens on the balcony.

"They realise that, but they also have ascertained that we're compatible, so to speak."

"Why didn't you just tell them you're a eunuch, then?" Sarah asked. It was a quite reasonable question, at least in her opinion, but the Doctor did not dignify it with a response.

Together, they finished off the sack of Jelly Babies. All the while, the aliens relentlessly observed them.

Then, abruptly, Sarah felt the sensations from before return with a vengeance. The Ulm hadn't repeated their use of the aphrodisiac, had they? She turned to the Doctor, ready to frame the question, when she was saw that he too was shifting about and looking uncomfortable.

"Sarah? Remember the aphrodisiac from before? I think the Ulm have made some adjustments to their formula and tried again."

Her gaze dropped to his trousers and the obvious bulge there. "Successful adjustments, I take it."

"Unfortunately, yes."

They sat in growing discomfort for a few minutes. The dosage was definitely stronger than before, Sarah thought, and it was increasing rather than abating. "I suppose we could..." she began at the same moment as the Doctor said, "I _have_ thought of..."

They both stopped. "Go on," Sarah urged. "What were you going to say?"

"Oh. Well." The Doctor cleared his throat. "I _have_ thought of one way to make the Ulm release us."

"What?" Sarah stared at him with wild hope. "Well, why didn't you say anything before this? What is it?"

"I didn't think you were ready before to seriously consider this method," the Doctor said.

A feeling of dread began to build in Sarah's mind. She had an awful suspicion that she knew exactly what the Doctor was about to say.

"We could simply do what they want. Cooperate with them," he concluded.

"You want you and me to--in front of _them_?" she choked out.

"Really, Sarah, is the thought of being with me truly a fate worse than death?"

The Doctor genuinely looked hurt, and Sarah felt a sharp stab of guilt. It was quickly followed by a flash of anger about feeling guilty, and then another flash of anger specifically aimed toward the Doctor for making her feel guilty about her totally justifiable anger. He probably knew exactly how she would react, and had manipulated her into those emotions to gain her sympathy. Which he was not receiving. Absolutely not. Except that he did look rather upset.

"Do you really think they would let us go if we did it?" she asked cautiously.

"Oh, certainly!" the Doctor insisted. "I believe they will stand by their word. They have no real reason not to."

"If I agree to this, and you're wrong..." Sarah let her voice trail off in an ominous manner.

"I won't be," the Doctor said firmly.

Sarah found that it was starting to seem like not such a bad idea after all. If she was honest with herself, she had never been totally averse to the thought of having sex with the Doctor--maybe even a tiny bit interested in it. Oh, all right, more than just a tiny bit, dating back to the first week of their acquaintance. It was a long-standing attraction and definitely wasn't all due to the aphrodisiac. But those stupid aliens were still lurking about, and voyeurism had never been a kink of hers.

The Doctor offered, "You'll just have to do your best to pretend we're alone."

Sarah stared at him. "Did you just read my mind?"

"Now, would I do that to a friend?"

The Doctor began to unwind his scarf from about his neck before Sarah realised he hadn't answered her question. Well, she firmly told herself, he'd merely made a lucky guess. Besides, soon it probably wouldn't matter to her if an entire herd of Ulm came and stood two feet from her to observe; she was becoming so aroused, she felt like jumping out of her own skin.

With shaking fingers (from the aphrodisiac, naturally), she peeled off her clothing, doing the best she could to shelter her body from any prying alien eyes. The Doctor, meanwhile, used his discarded coat to create a makeshift bed on the hard floor. He was naked before she was, and Sarah stared unabashedly, trembling with need. The drug had overwhelmed her inhibitions about performing before an audience; she flicked off her bra and jumped the Doctor.

XXXXX

Sarah, returning to her senses as the aphrodisiac left her system, saw the precise moment that the Doctor registered the fact that they were free. She suspected neither of them had ever dressed so rapidly in their lives. When they had flung on all of their clothing--without a word spoken to each other--they hurried through the exit to see another large opening leading directly outside. Beside it stood a single alien, and on the floor next to this alien lay a heap of miscellaneous items: Sarah's watch, which she promptly grabbed, and everything the Doctor had turned over to the Ulm.

As the Doctor crammed his belongings back into his pockets, the alien addressed Sarah. "Thank you for your assistance in our research, and we apologise for any inconvenience to you."

"What?" She glared at the horrid creature. "You _apologise _for any _inconvenience_? That's very generous of you, really." She drew back her leg, kicked the Ulm in the midsection as hard as she could manage, and stalked away. She could have cried from disappointment. It was all the fault of those aliens. The Doctor had never wanted to have sex with her, he'd been forced to, and now their relationship was ruined. She'd be lucky if he didn't return her to Earth on their next trip. Scowling, she walked faster and was halfway back to the TARDIS by the time the Doctor caught up with her.

"Was that act of violence truly necessary, Sarah?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied shortly, thinking that if he pressed the issue she might kick him in a delicate place, too.

Perhaps sensing this inclination, the Doctor did not speak as he unlocked the door of the TARDIS and stepped inside. Sarah, however, thought of a question.

"So, do you think we performed like the Ulm were expecting? Did we confirm their expectations of intercourse?"

His voice drifted back to her as he started down the corridor. "How could they have any expectations? They're asexual aliens. All we would have had to do to fool them was to engage in activity that raised our heart rates. We could have arm-wrestled and told them that was our version of sex."

"What?" Sarah halted, allowing the Doctor to slip down the corridor ahead of her, the ends of his scarf flowing out behind him as the import of his words fully sank in. "Doctor? Doctor? Come back here!"


End file.
